Once Again

 

Photograph by Lauren Anne Photography out of Columbus 

This is old news to everyone, but I really love this kid.

He's just like... ugh. Perf.

Also, I'm sort of in love with this picture of us. The first time I saw it I wasn't crazy about it, but now it's literally my wallpaper on my MacBook and my lock screen for my iPhone. I'm that in love with it. He just looks so happy, and I like when he looks happy. 

The Firsts

Summer flew by as summer generally does and here I am back at good ole' BC in my new apartment with my three new roommates. Like, wow. The summer was busy and good, all the things that summer should be. But just as the taste of summer freedom was becoming monotonous the school year has started again, and I begin my Sophomore year of college... still as a Music Performance Major. Like, wow squared.

I've been thinking more and more about my writing, and what I want it to be. Particularly what I want my blog to bed, and as I look at the posts of the past I realize how much I have transformed from the 16 year old who started Ivory Giraffes. I'm now a 19 year old pseudo adult who's knocking the college life out of the park. And I think to myself, "what a wonderful world". But, for real though. Everything that I dreamed college would be is so completely different, and I'm so pleased by the differences. I'm so blown away by how much God has blessed me with the opportunity to have the school that I have and the friends/roommates that I have. I'm so incredibly grateful for the opportunities that have been placed before me that I cannot help but just laugh and smile. Who I am after one year of college has changed so dramatically, and I'm anxious to see what the next three have in store for me.

I went to Chicago over Labor Day weekend where all three of my roommates and I traveled to spend the weekend with one of their families. And just being able to experience the minor differences in how families work, and the opportunity to feel like a "home away from home". To love and be loved by people who are not obligated to care for me at all, may just be one of the best feelings. As wonderful and as thankful I am for my family, I know that they are obligated in a sense to love me. But to witness and feel the love of people who have no obligation to me at all just fills me with such hope.

By no means has this entire past year been perfect. Trying to be in a relationship six hours apart has been one of the most difficult things of my life. The Boy and I have gotten in more fights in the past year than we ever did in the rest of our relationship combined. The freshman experience was not the best for me, from having to learn to get along with roommates to dealing with feeling like the whole world hated me; it was not always easy.

Nevertheless, I am beyond blessed. To have these girls. To have this college. To have my God who always watches over me, and gives me a new name in Him.

*I apologize for literally being the worst blogger on the face of the earth. Life is busy and ish gets in the way. I won't promise to keep super updated on the blog, so make sure to follow me on Instagram and Twitter, because let's be real. I be crazy with those updates.*

You Are My Favorite.

Happy Birthday to the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
You are the Corey to my Topanga.
The Alfalfa to my Darla.
The Noah to my Allie.
The Ben to my Leslie.
And the Nick to my Jess.

I love you, Hunter Kilpatrick.

Long Hot Summer

As much as I've been talking about "how much I've changed, and improved, and learned" there are a few things that haven't changed at all. Case in point: the fact that I'm absolutely in love with wearing cool colors together like white & grey. There is just something so relaxed and casual about this color pallet and I will never be able to get enough of it. Ever. Under any circumstance! ... I mean it. 
I've been finally running again, and I'm so happy! Although I wouldn't exactly say that I'm in love with running, and I am in love with the feeling of accomplishment after I've ran for the day. The first day I ran three weeks ago it took me, get this... 12 minutes and 52 seconds to run a mile. I know, I know. That's horrible. But I have now successfully started running 8 minute 12 second miles back to back. There's just something about setting a goal and accomplishing it that I love. 
Also, can we talk about how amazing The Voice is? But how messed up America is for keeping Danielle and getting rid of Holly? Like seriously. It's ridiculous. But, as long as Michelle wins I'm happy! 

It's The Little Things...

...like taking a nice bath while having a candle lit after an equally nice run. 

My Mom has always said that she hated baths because "who wants to sit in their own dirt", but I absolutely adore them. Just being completely surrounded by warmth makes my heart sing. And I like when my heart sings. And bubbles. I like bubbles. And making big white beards with the bubbles. That also makes my heart sing. There really are a million and one positives to taking baths. So go take a bath. Light a candle. And smell delicious. 

Change is Good.

And then she had short hair.

If you follow me on Twitter you'll know that on Sunday I chopped off a good portion of my hair, which came as a shock to not only you guys but also myself. I've been working on getting long, not layered, healthy hair for a good three years and while my hair was definitely long it still had some layers and the ends were quite damaged. So Sunday night off it went... but then today I looked at it and thought "go big or go home" so Noelle took the shears to it once again and bam! it's to my shoulders and I love it. My hair can officially grow in peace, with no layers to bother with and no bangs to be annoyed by. And in the meantime it looks pretty darn fabulous. I may even keep it like this for a little while. I know, I know, who am I becoming?!? 

Nineteen.

{image}

Nineteen.

Nineteen years living on planet earth.

Nineteen years of living in Bliss.

Nineteen years of being Hannah Byard.

Nineteen years of learning, making mistakes, and being redeemed.

Nineteen years worth of tears, smiles, and laughs.

Three.

Three years without you on planet earth.

Three years of being in Bliss, but not at home.

Three years of being Hannah Byard, that girl without her Daddy.

Three years of learning, making mistakes, and being redeemed without you.

Three years worth of mourning, tears, and remembering happier times.

I'm stuck trying to figure out which number is more important. Nineteen, is obviously a bigger number. There are happier times in number Nineteen, and Sixteen of those years were spent with my Daddy. But Three seems to be longer. Three seems to be more important in the long run than Nineteen, or next year Twenty or the next Twenty-One. Three turns to Four, which turns to Five.

Happy Nineteenth Birthday to me.

Happy Three Years in Heaven, Daddy.

just me

Hi. My name is Hannah.

Maybe you don't remember me, but this post is showing up for you because a long time ago I used to blog regularly and you must have liked me so you hit the little follow button. But, then I went to college and got busy. Which sort of stinks. But, now I'm home again {which doesn't stink!} and have found myself with time again. So here I am. Writing again. Wishing I wouldn't have taken the time away from the blog, because now I find it hard to figure out how to do this crazy thing again. But instead of saying all this, how about I reacquaint you all with myself? 

In these nine months I think I've changed a little. Hunter says I have. And he knows me better than probably anyone in the entire world, sometimes a heck of a lot better than I know me. So he's probably right. I think I've been changed, and not because of some life-changing chapel service that I'll forever remember. Or some really awesome Shupe Group {Bethel lingo for Freshman Girls Bible study}. If I'm being completely honest with you all, which I've learned is the best way to be, I didn't really learn that much through the chapel services or the Bible studies. I learned about who I am through everyday dorm life, and everyday class life. I changed more in those two hour Exploring Christian Faith classes during the first semester that I loved, yet hated because it was a part of my F.Y.E. than in all of the chapel services put together. I discovered more of who I was during the nights of laughing and opening up to my newfound friends. Through my freshman year I learned how to open up completely, to let people see me for me. I've always said that I was a genuine person, but I think I've finally truly learned what exactly it means to be transparent. And sometimes transparency means that people get upset with me, and they don't like what I have to say. But I'm no longer afraid of the anger that people might have towards me. I'm no longer afraid of making people uncomfortable. I will apologize still for making you uncomfortable, because I never intend to. But, I will no longer apologize for my views. 

I think that's what has changed the most. I'm much more willing to put myself out there, to go out on a limb for something I believe in. Even if that means having a fight with Hunter. Or even if that means that my "friends" are temporarily {or permanently} angry with me. I no longer care if people think that I'm too close-minded because I believe that abortion is wrong under any circumstance, and I no longer care if people think I'm too open-minded because I think that gay marriage should be legal. I'm learning to be me. All the time, and I think I've always been a little bit like that. But, it's happening more and more. 

So who is this person who a year ago you decided to follow and then she left the planet? She's a little bitty 4'10" firecracker. She drinks a lot of tea, and then smears the tea leaves all over her face to make a good face mask. Sometimes she makes the duck face. She plays a lot of piano... like a lot of piano. She annotates John Green's books just for the fun of it. She's really bad at reading her Bible, but she really wants to make a point this summer to read it more. She actually sort of enjoys the act of running, just not how much time it takes. She really wants to get into yoga so that she can regain her flexibility and use it as her prayer time. Sometimes she listens to Regina Spektor, and then flips to Ke$ha, and then again to Three Days Grace, and then to Rascal Flatts. I like to watch really bad reality T.V. and I've been known to eat a whole bag of Dill Pickle chips in one sitting. I like making funny faces at myself in the mirror, and sometimes I talk to myself {okay... a lot of the time I talk to myself}. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to help kids get through their problems and express themselves through music. I want to continue growing into myself, and learn just who it is that God made me to be. I've changed. And I will continue to change. And that's who I am. And who I want to be. And who I'm growing to be:

Raw. Unedited. Imperfect. Vulnerable. 

soulmate.

Photo Credits: Lauren Anne Photography; Noëlle Byard; Lou Kilpatrick 

Dress: H&M, $10
 Earrings: Target, $7.99 
Nude Heels (not pictured): Target, $29.99

Hunter,

This school year has been one of the hardest but most rewarding things I've had to go through. Being without you for nearly nine months has been so challenging, yet I can truly see how much more appreciative I am now than ever before. I've learned through the year just how much I care about you, and how valuable our time spent together is. As much as I've loved becoming closer to you, I've also loved being able to be separate from you. And it's something that's really hard for me to have to do, but I think that we've both grown so much as different people and I wouldn't change it for the world. You make me incredibly happy. Even our fighting is worth it, because it brings us stronger in the end. It's been said that a soulmate is someone who will make you the most "you" that you can possibly be, and if that's the case you're definitely my soulmate. I love you, and I can't wait for next week when I'll be home for the summer. 

I love you.

Forever. 

More than anybody else.

No matter what. 

-Me 

Make sure to click the link for Lauren Anne Photography to see more pictures of Hunter & I and also to just check out a young photography business! Lauren is one of my best friends, and is so talented! Hit her up if you're from the Columbus area! 

with faith and understanding, you will journey from boy to man.

Thinking about:

How quickly my freshman year has flown by! Next week is finals week, and then it's all done. This year has had its up and downs and so much has changed. I came with a roommate, I'm ending without one. I start with two suite mates, and now I only have one. My circle of friends have changed so much just since January and I'm so thankful for the girls I have. They are some of the best friends I've ever had.

Reading:

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. I'm reading that for a research paper, and I just so enjoy Toni Morrison's writing. I've read Beloved, and everything about her writing just makes me happy. I've also slowly been rereading Looking for Alaska, mainly on the basis that it's... Looking for Alaska. Does one need more reasons that that?

Listening to:

I have been jamming out to Long Hot Summer on repeat for the past couple weeks. Probably only because I'm becoming extremely anxious to have summer come!

Looking forward to:

Prom! It's in just a few days and I'm ready to be home and get all dressed up. If you forgot, I was home schooled, so that means that I've never actually been to a prom before... I did go to homecoming one year, but lets be honest, that's not nearly as cool as prom. Plus I get to wear a really long, pink dress. And what's better than that? I mean, c'mon. It's pink we're talking about. And on top of all of that, all of my friends are coming home with me. 

Watching:

I've always been into New Girl, but me and my suite have a ritual of watching it together every Thursday that a new episode comes out while eating our lunch. It's pretty fabulous, and I'm so in love with Nick's "dead Dad pass" phrase.

Making me happy:

It's super sunny right now, and that makes me so very happy. The morning started off really gloomy and that was just extremely depressing. I'm so thrilled that it's finally seeming to warm up for the most part. Like, seriously winter. I'm done with you. Bring on the warmth and the tan. Plus, I really want to start wearing my... bikini. It's my first time ever buying one, and I'm so excited to wear one for the first time since I was under three years old. Yeah, I'm a girl gone wild during my college years.

P.S. If you know what song I got this title from without Google, I will love you forever.

#prayforboston

I think that it's completely idiotic of me to think that my saying anything about the tragedy in Boston will do anything. It won't be a condolence. It will add one more blog post, one more Twitter update, on more Facebook status to the billion coming in. When things like this happen, no one knows what to do. We offer up our sympathies, and some of us offer our prayers. After we do our obligatory duty, the wheels in our head begin to turn and we wonder how people could this. How could someone wake up one morning and decide that this is what they want to do with their lives? This is how they want to be remembered? We focus so much on the bad, the negative. It's so much easier to see, you know? It's in plain and simple sight that horrible people are in this world and horrible things happen. We all have known for millennium that this world is a horrible place. But, in focusing so much on the bad we're also giving insane attention to the one who committed this horrible act. So, what am I doing writing this? Just adding fuel to the fire?

No. 

When we think of all the bad that we saw yesterday, and think of how horrible the world is, remember those who helped. Think of all the good. Tens, hundreds, a nation full, of people rose to help. Millions offered prayers, and tons of people physically went to the aftermath and assisted the victims. This world is good. 

"Our world is kind of awful.

No. Our world is great. For every one person who plants bombs, you have hundreds more running a marathon. For every one person that makes a joke about the dead and dying, you have thousands more donating blood, offering prayers, and volunteering their time. Things like this are the fault of single individuals who make violent, loud statements. We just have to make sure that the statements of the good are louder." (source) 

It Goes On

The funny thing about life is that it goes on. While I am in my own orb of life, living everyday doing the simple things, the worlds continues to spin and events continue to happen. I am continually realizing just how much I am not needed. And not in the extremely depressing way that most people think about not being needed, but more like a huge weight being taken off of my shoulders. Life goes on. And God knows exactly what He's doing. I am not vital to His plan, but I am allowed a part of it if I choose. 
I realize this more and more when I go home. Everything seems to go on without me; things change and people become different. Including Hunter and I. Everything has changed with him... everything, yet nothing at all. If that makes any sort of sense. Our entire relationship is so much different than it was in August. And, I honestly believe that it has all been for the better. The funny thing about long distance relationships is that it enables us to both be completely independent people and it enables us to be so free. The great thing about freedom is that it lets you become the best you possible, and so far we're liking what this freedom has done to us. 
I treasure every single moment I'm allowed to have with Hunter, whether it's out making maple syrup or sitting in the car for six hours while he helps bring me back to school. He's changed in the time that I've been gone, and I'm able to appreciate every single change that has happened within him. 

She does not strive for perfection, but lives life as it is, rather than what she has pictured life to be. 

In Honor

 

Once again, I've sort of fell of the face of the blogging world. What can I say? Life happens. All the time life is happening around us, and sometimes we just need a break from it all. A break from worrying about what's going on around us, so we can focus on what is going on within us. These last two weeks have been... hard. One of my best friends left school for the semester so she could do just as I said... focus on what's going on within her. As glad as I am that she is doing what is right for her, I truly am, I am also sad for me. I miss her. These weeks without her have been long and hard, but they are also strengthening me. I know that in a few years time I will look back on this post and realize how silly I was, "If I had only known what was in store for me," I'll think. But in this moment, I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know what God wants to teach me through this hard time, but I am confident that I will be taught something. The situation I'm in will not be in vain. 

And in case you're reading, Reb: I miss you. Even if you don't think I do. I cannot wait to hear later about all that God is doing within you. I can find a way to put my selfishness aside right now, and leave you to do what you need to do. Even if that means our friendship is put on a temporary hold. I luh you. 

Keep on Laughing

I'm generally a bit of a wallflower. And I know that the word, or phrase, "wallflower" has been thrown around quite often after The Perks of Being a Wallflower has become a phenomenon, but I truly feel as if I am one. I observe a lot, sit in the backgrounds and just watch. I'm known to be the more reserved, and quiet one of the group. Because of that I really feel like I belong in a Farmer's Market. When I'm there I get to observe everything; take in all the colors and really watch people. You see people who are engrossed in their trade, who are passionate about what they're doing. And the beautiful displays and color are inspiring to my eye.

Needless to say, I went to a Farmer's Market over the weekend. It was fun, even though I didn't buy anything. The books were by far my favorite part! So many old, old poetry books that I was just itching to buy. But, I'm really trying to save my pennies for a prom dress. Woe is me. The only thing that may have been more interesting than the books would be this whole box of spoon rings that a man had for sale. They were gorgeous and I just wanted one so, so bad. Ugh.

P.S. All these pictures were taken by one of my BFF's Lauren of Lauren Anne Photography. She's 1) a great and beautiful girl and 2) a super talented photographer from Columbus, Ohio. I left a link to her Facebook page, so be sure to check her out and contact her if you're ever in need of some beautiful pictures taken and you're in the Columbus area!

Home.

In the past couple of days snow has accumulated significantly in Mishawaka, Indiana. So much so that both of the ponds on Bethel's campus have froze over, providing an opportune place to test one's courage and walk across. {the picture is not of me, but rather one of my bff's brittany. although i also crossed the fierce reflection pond} What does this mean for me? Lots of cuddle time with Shang in my dorm when I'm not required to go to a class. 

I really enjoy my cozy little room, where most everything is either grey or purple. It has a quaint charm about it that I have come to love. I wasn't sure if I would ever feel like this dorm room was home, but come to find out: I have. I realized this today as I was finally walking back to my dorm. See, I had a really long day today. I was constantly either in class or in the practice room from nine this morning until five. And when I was walking back I realized how glad I was to be going to my room, my room. Where I live. And this... this is my new home. My home away from home. 

Down Time.

Sometimes a girl 

Just needs some down time. 

After a much more adventurous weekend than I'm used to {staying out until one on friday!} I'm very pleased to just be laying in yoga pants, cuddling with Shang, catching up on some laundry and watching Lizzie Bennet Diaries {and maybe some chris crocker... i'm a heathen}. 

In much other news, I'm trying out a new font. Tell me what you think, and while you're at it you can take a survey all about what you think about Ivory Giraffes! I really want this blog to be something that other people enjoy as much as I do, and if you would take a minute or two to just give me some insight into what you want to read it'd be great! I don't want this to be a blog where it's all about me, with no interaction from you the readers. It's high time that I start reaching out to everyone else, so let's start a discussion! Be as harsh as you think you need to be! 

Snippets of the Bethel Life

I find myself back at school and beginning yet another phase in my life. I'm still in shock that I've finished my first semester of college and am now a week into my second. Not only that, but I've transitioned from living with a roommate to being on my own. I've stayed in my same room that I've had since the beginning of the year while my roommate moved floors. As weird as it was the first couple of days, I have to say that I'm really enjoying being on my own. I haven't had my own room since roughly fifth grade and it's a whole new experience being able to be completely by myself. Of course, I still have my wonderful and beautiful suite mates, but no one actually living in the same room as me. 

Last semester taught me a lot about who I am. It taught me some things about myself that I'm not so proud of, like being a complete pushover, but I also learned that I'm very true to who I am. If I don't think that something is right, I won't do it. And I still don't care what people think of me for the most part. I was always nervous that that was just a trait I acquired because I wasn't around people that often and I would lose the characteristic after arriving to college, but it's remained true. I'm confident with who I am as a person. For the most part I am a kind, caring, and really awkward person. And I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a risk taker at all, and sometimes am a really big baby when it comes to things that might get me in trouble. 

I'm so excited for what these next 4 months have in store for me. Everything from my 8 A.M. Sight Singing and Ear Training class to trying to find a church that I really enjoy attending. I want to make the most of these months, and learn as much as I can. In and out of the classroom. I want to make the most of everything that is offered me, such as going to the gym {I'm on day four of going, guys!}. 

Hopefully I'll be able to write regularly, but if I skip a few days please give me some grace. If you ever really want to see what's going on in my life follow me on Twitter... I update a lot. And I've been Tumbling a lot recently, as well. I'm around for anyone who wants to chat, I hope I hear from you!

May you have a peaceful Wednesday, and may you accomplish everything that you have set out for yourself today. 

With Love,
Hannah 

Stay, Stay, Stay

Today will be spent cuddling up with my new blanket from J.C. Penney and waiting for a new text from my boy. He's gone for the weekend {cue tears} and I won't see him until possibly Sunday. Sad day, seeing as I leave on Wednesday. I should be able to go to his basketball game on Tuesday, though. Even though that will probably be the scariest few moments of my life, as I know next to nothing about basketball. This break has just flown by and it makes me really sad that I'll be leaving him soon. My next break isn't for 53 whole days, and I don't really look forward to that. 

Being Alive.

Yesterday Noey and I went out to eat at Roast & Toast for her Christmas present. What's the greatest thing about promising to take her out for soup and coffee? It's a present for me, too! Literally the most delicious food ever, I don't understand how anyone could ever have a distaste for their food! Seriously the best ever. If you're ever in the Petoskey, Michigan area: hit up roast and toast. Go for any one of their soups, ask for a cookie, and definitely order a snowball {get this: white hot chocolate with vanilla and coconut. add some whip cream. that's a snowball.}! Everything about Roast & Toast screams relaxation and comfort. I just lurve it. 

While looking at these pictures I realized that this is probably the first post since November that you've actually seen my face, and the first picture since August {AUGUST!!!} of myself that wasn't taken with my iPhone or Photobooth. I resolve to use my camera more during the next semester, take pictures of my lovely friends, and capture the best experiences.