Saturday, June 2

In Which I Write

There are days when I long to simply write. To put ink to paper, or in a not-so-romantic way type on my laptop. The great thing about writing is that you can write and rewrite. You can make everything perfect. And eloquent. And beautiful. Whereas when you're talking you mess things up a lot, or at least I do. 
I long to change the world. By writing true and inspiring things. I want to make a difference, and make life better for others. And maybe it's silly of me to think that writing on this little blog of mine will do that, but a girl can dream can't she? My deepest desire is to have someone read about my life, read things that I have written, and have one simple truth jump out at them. To maybe change them. 
I won't pretend that I have the most brilliant life. And I can't say that I have the most brilliant thoughts, either. Maybe I just feel this way because if no one ever learns anything from my life I'll feel like everything I've had to go through was in vain. That there was really no reason to have to go through it if it didn't at least help someone.
But, then. Maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is that I have to go through it, and there's no real reason. Maybe there's no real point at all. I really don't think that there's a reason for everything. I think that that's what people tell you to make you feel better about the crummy situation you're going through, when really they're just saying it because they feel sorry for you and have nothing else to say but they feel like they need to say something. News flash: Sometimes it's worse when you talk. Sometimes you don't need words at all. Sometimes (Most of the time) just being there is more than enough. I think a lot of the time people will tell you that they're "so sorry" that such and such happened because they want to feel better. It's not really about making you, the victim, feel better. It's about making them feel better. About themselves. Make them feel like they're doing their part and that they're helping you out. Even if it's no help at all. Over the past two years I've experienced that a lot. And sometimes it feels like I have to help everyone else by letting them think they're helping me. 
I'm not really sure what this whole thing is. A confession? A rambling? I don't know. I just knew it needed to be said. You know the feeling? That rumbling in your heart? Something that's been eating you alive, bothering you, and you knew that if you just hit publish you'd be free of it. I encourage you to do that every so often. To open yourself up to the world. It's terrifying, I know. But it's so freeing. 

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