Chapter One

It's been 31 days since I saw him.
I may be a cheese ball, but that feels like a long time to go without him.
I miss him.

Photo Creds: Noelle Elisabeth Photography

Preface

As I'm entering into my third year of college I've decided to attempt to revamp my blog a bit. I'm not the same girl I was at 16 and it's silly of me to try and write about the same things that interested me back then. It's sort of left me not wanting to blog, but I miss it. Having this creative outlet is something I truly miss. So, here is to a beautiful new day. A beautiful new blog full of the daily life of a really weird girl. 

K.I.S.

The longer I'm home the more thankful I become that this place is my home. There is literally nowhere that I would rather be than in Bliss, Michigan. I sincerely believe that there is no where else on the entire planet that is as beautiful as this place is. I'm just infatuated with the beauty that surrounds me, from the tunnel of trees that engulfs me as I drive down to the beach & go on runs, to the sunset at the top of the nearby hills. I'm have become more & more thankful that two years ago I decided to leave home. The experience has given me a deep love & appreciation for the world around me, but it has also made me realize that this place is where I want to call my home. 

I long to live a simple & meaningful life, & there is nowhere else I've found where so many simple & meaningful people have lived. Where people live on their gardens & take baths in the lake. Simple living is where it's at. 

Tis A Gift To Be Simple

Even though this place is my new home and I love being here, sometimes I just miss home. I miss being in the middle of nowhere. I miss it actually being dark out when I turn off the lights, and I miss the miles I can run without seeing another soul. I miss the trees and forests and my lake. I miss the quiet. I miss looking up at the night sky and being drowned in silence and astounded with how big the world is and how small I am. I'm a middle of nowhere sort of person. And while it may seem simple and dull to some, to me it's simple and perfect. I think the world needs a little more simplicity. 

March Blogger Swap

For the first time I ever I decided to be apart of a Blog Swap! It was super exciting to me, mainly because I love receiving/sending packages and letters. It's def my love language. If you're interested in becoming a participant in the Blogger Swap that I'm apart of make sure to click the linky-poo and sign up! 

I got paired up with Jordan from The Spontaneous Idealist, who runs the cutest little blog! She is such a sweetheart and sent me the best package right when I needed it! I had been having a rough week, full of sickness, and it was just such a blessing to get her package yesterday. I walked to the other end of campus after getting a package slip in my mailbox and could barely contain myself when I saw who it was from. Okay, I couldn't contain myself, because I ripped it open on my walk back to my dorm and practically started crying at how absolutely sweet Jordan was. I'll share a little bit of what Jordan said about each item in my package:

Paris tissues- Because no one should have to deal with spring allergies- at least not in style.

Stationary- Writing is a mutual love between us. 

Floral headband- So dainty and elegant. 

Lollia no. 19 "Breathe"- from a boutique I visited over spring break. Literally a breath of fresh air.

Yankee Candle "Sweet Honeysuckle"- The smell of summer down here in the South. 

Seriously! What a kind spirit she is! I absolutely love everything in my package. It's nice to have such springy things to remind me that warmth is near, when Indiana just got snow overnight. 

Everything We Do.

Sometimes when you're just having one of those days where you really miss your boyfriend and start getting depressed because you won't see him for another forty-plus days, you just have to pick yourself up. You have to say to yourself, "I'm going to make this day worth being away from him, and I'm going to choose to be happy!" Kind of like that really awesome BBC Robin Hood quote, "Everything is a choice, everything we do!" And then you obviously have to start taking selfies to cheer yourself up.

... and cheer you up, it does.

P.S. If anyone besides me and my family has seen this wonderful BBC show I'm talking about maybe you could speak up so I don't feel like that big of a nerd. But lets be real, here. I sort of am. 

Setting Souls on Fire

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Do you ever hear or read something that simply lights your soul on fire? That rekindles that spark that you just realize in that moment has went out without you ever even realizing it? That speaks to the heart of your spirit and you say quietly to yourself, "Ah! I remember now. That's why I was born, that's why I'm doing what I'm doing." And in nothing more than a second your being is awakened, and it's so strange because you were only vaguely aware that it was asleep. It happened for me. I watched this video while sitting alone in my apartment and began sobbing. I've felt these things before, but I haven't for a really long time. And listening to this beautiful woman speak about what music is for her rekindled my soul. I'm so excited to practice. I'm excited to go to my Music History class and my rehearsals. I am so infinitely blessed to have music in my life. 

Worry Less

Remember back in the day when I used to do "outfit posts"? Well you can all be grateful that I don't do those anymore because something like this is my basic daily outfit, just swapping out the shorts for leggings when I have to go out into the world. There's just something about wearing workout shorts that makes my soul really happy, maybe it's because of my recent obsession with running and I wear them daily for a few hours anyways. The running has been magnificent, and yesterday I ran my longest distance and quickest 10k time: 8 miles in 69 minutes. Not too shabby. The running thing has just been the best thing that I've been doing this semester. Last semester felt so stressful and I had no way to just release my stress, but running daily has really helped to keep me sane. Even though I detest running on a treadmill I'm so grateful to be in an environment that allows me run even on the coldest of days. When my day is too stressful for me to handle all I need are my running shoes and I'm ready to go. 

It's The Little Things...

... like being able to slow my day down so that I can have a good breakfast. 

Most days I don't do that. I have an 8 AM class M/W/F and usually wake up, get dressed, brew myself a cup of coffee and leave. But on Tuesday and Thursday I try to slow myself down and eat something nutritious and take some time to read The Good Book. 

Let's Talk About Love

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And, I don't just mean the lovey-dovey kind of love. I mean, true, real, unconditional love. Love between friends. Romantic love. Love of family. 

I think I've learned more this school year about love than I have in all of my previous years combined. I've learned about what it means to love people for where they're at and for who they are, especially when you're not overjoyed about where they're at and who they are at a particular moment. I've learned that if you're romantically committed to someone it's completely necessary to be understanding and supportive, because that may just be the best way to show them that you love them. I've learned that sometimes showing love means doing dishes. Like, gross dishes. Love, the true stuff, means that sometimes you'll be inconvenienced so that life is easier for the person you're loving. Love means giving your roommate your last two eggs. I've learned that love is patient, and kind, and everything else that 1 Corinthians 13 says. I've learned that love does not equal physically being near the person you love, therefore love does not mean kissing and hugging and cuddling. I've learned that loving someone means being positive and nurturing in tough situations, even if the situation seems bleak in the moment. Love is boundless. Love, true love, isn't so much about having really happy feelings, but more about trying to bless someone else. Loving someone isn't about me. Loving someone is about them. Because, there will be days when the person you're investing in is in a bad mood and that certainly doesn't feel good. There are messy feelings when people are involved, and if loving people was about good feelings we'd all be out of luck. Loving someone is about trying to make their life better because you see them as someone who is totally worth the effort, because it will take effort. A lot of effort. 

We love because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19

Who Are You When I'm Not Looking?

 As I've mentioned probs a million times, I really enjoy getting to know bloggers. I like reading things that are facts about them because it makes me feel as if I know them as people a little bit more. Like more than just there thoughts and, you know, useless information about their daily lives and beliefs. I just like knowing random meaningless facts. So here are 25 meaningless facts about yours truly:

1. Do you have a middle name?

I do! If you've browsed through my very old blog posts you'll see that I actually used to go by my middle name on this little blog. If you haven't creeped on me like that, my middle name is Lauren. It's after my great (or is great-great?) grandfather: Laurence. 
2. What was your favorite subject in school?I'm one of those really annoying people who liked school a lot, and continue to like school. I would say growing up my favorite subject was probably Literature, unless we want to count my piano lessons. Now, I would definitely say my favorite "subject" is any of my Music Theory classes. It's so interesting to know why music works the way it does. 
 3. What's your favorite drink?I feel like I simply love drinks. I love a good cup of coffee. And Cherry Pepsi. And Coke. And Green Tea. And water. And Gatorade. 
4. What's your favorite song at the moment?
This is the hardest question anyone could ever ask me. I guess I would say that currently it's "Strong Enough" by Matthew West. But it's pretty much ever changing. 
5. What would you name your children?I pray that I never have a little girl, not only because I don't think I could handle a little girl but also because I can't think of any good names. But I know that my first son is going to be named Samuel David. It's been set for basically ever. I also really want to name a little boy Finnegan, but Hunter want's nothing of that. 
6. Do you participate in any sports?As a kid I did gymnastics for around 10 years, and I currently run a lot if that counts. 
7. What's your favorite book? Probably the Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Which sounds totally cliche, but in my defense, I've been in love with John Green for years and I liked it before it became popular. Which also makes me sound like a pathetic hipster, but whatever. 
8. What's your favorite color?Everyone I know is surprised when I say this, but my favorite color is definitely blue. It's only surprising because I have pink everything, and pink definitely is a close second, but I really love blue! It's such a pretty, calming color. 
9. What's your favorite animal?

A giraffe. Go figure, right? 

10. What's your favorite perfume?
I don't really experiment much with perfume, but I love the body spray "Love Spell" by Victoria's Secret. 
11. What's your favorite holiday?I honestly love Halloween. I mean, I love Christmas and Easter and all those holidays, but I just have such a good time with Halloween. I just think it's so important to have a holiday that's based around imagination and pretending. I don't know. 

12. Have you graduated from High School?

I graduated from high school two years ago, how crazy is that?
13. Have you been out of the country?I've been to Canada a few times, but no where else. BUT! In the spring of 2015 I'm hoping to go to Spain so that should be exciting. 
14. Do you speak any other languages?I learned French in high school, and I've even sung in French but I don't really know it.
 15. Do you have any siblings?I have two younger sisters. They're wonderful and crazy. 

16. What's your favorite store?

I'm not sure if I have a favorite store. I like going to Target, and I like going to most book stores. 17.What's your favorite restaurant?My favorite restaurant when I'm home is this place called The Depot. They have this delicious deep fried cauliflower that I'm absolutely in love with. 

18. Do you like school? 

I, for the most part, really enjoy school. I'm a big learner and I like having something to do and learn constantly. School sometimes annoys me, just because of homework and how long it takes for me to get the degree that I ultimately want, but for the most part I absolutely adore it.19. Who are some of your favorite Bloggers?This list could definitely go on forever and forever, but recently I've really loved Yuni. She's a really sweet girl who actually did my new blog design for me! I also really love keeping up with Abbi and am obsessed with Elaine's new hair and her absolutely perfect baby boy. 

20. What's your favorite movie? She's the Man is always at the top of my list, but I also love Mulan and The Help. 

21. What are some of your favorite TV shows?My ultimate favorite TV show ever is Parks & Recreation. Amy Poehler just gets me. I also am a huge Pretty Little Liars fan, and crappy television like Teen Mom.

22. PC or Mac?Mac all the way!  

23. What phone do you have?

I have a beautiful little iPhone. Typical, right? I just really cannot talk enough about how much I just genuinely love Apple products. I just feel like they're so easy for the common person to use, and I'm so happy to be able to use mine. Plus they're gorgeous. 
24. How tall are you?I'm a gigantic 4'10".
 25. Any pets? 

I have a dog, a collie, named Sophie and a cat named Mercy. I also have a horse, Sierra. 

P.S. This photo was taken by my wonderful roommate, Lauren of Lauren Anne Photography. If you're in the Columbus or Mishawaka area you should definitely give her a look! She takes beautiful photos of everything from Seniors to mini Easter Sessions and Engagement Sessions. Check her out! 

It's A Thief

  I detest the comparison game, but I find myself playing it an awful lot. I feel like in college there's this unspoken competition: who has the hardest major. And on top of that: who has the hardest major on top of the hardest job. The sad thing is, I find myself playing that game a lot but get really annoyed when other people try to play along... because obviously my major is the hardest. The thing I'm trying to remind myself is that everyone has it hard, we're just all dealing with different kinds of hard. Physics is hard. But, practicing 12 hours a week is hard, too. And practicing 12 hours a week doesn't make physics any less hard, and vice versa. Working while in college is hard, and I give mad props to anyone working 10 hours a week all the way up to 40+. But doing "just" college is hard, too. And neither one takes away from the hardness of the other.

I fall victim to this vicious game way too often. I see my schedule online with a list of 11 classes I'm registered for, I look at my required practice hours, and the two Bible studies I'm signed up for and I think, "No one knows a busy schedule like a music major! I have it really hard! Psh, I wish I could be someone who's only signed up for 5 classes! That's so easy! If I had 5 classes of course I could work long hours during the week!" This is so ridiculous and wrong of me, and it only ends in me being bitter. Being bitter takes a lot of energy, a lot of energy that could be put towards bettering myself. A lot of energy that could otherwise be used to bless people, and bless the Creator. 

I think I, and probably a lot of people, need to get to that middle ground. Where we're aware that we do have it hard, but so does everyone else. Where we can appreciate what other people do, instead of scrutinizing how easy their lives are. Comparison destroys. 

"Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job week done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else." -Galatians 6:4  

I will say this... my home is better than anyone else's. That's not comparison, that's simple fact. Just look at that sunset. 

Life Is Like Borrowed Chords...

Something can be said for taking moments out of your day to drink a little coffee and reflect on the graciousness of our God. While I'm over here dwelling on all of the parts of life that have brought me down, God is already thinking up ways to make my life a testimony of His power and grace. When I focus on all of the negative, God is working double time to bring my life to a positive ending. It's sort of like a borrowed chord. It doesn't sound right in the middle of the song, it sounds ugly and like it shouldn't belong. But God, the composer of life, knows the rules and He tonicizes it. He brings it back to where it should be, and then you can understand how that borrowed chord fit in and that it really did belong and it was placed there to tell a story. Maybe it was put there to spice it up, or depict the text of Christ. Life is a little like counterpoint, and it's a good thing we have a composer who not only knows the rules but He created them and is the best composer out there. 

On the Podium

I'm a Music major. I practice my instrument, piano,  at least 12 hours a week, so that come jury time I can try to show my improvement over the semester in under five minutes. I take 11 classes for 17 credits. I am in 4 ensembles that require not only more practice but also at least one (sometimes two or three) performances on weekends. I have to go to every single music production on campus for a 0 credit class (yeah, those exist), and if I miss one of the actual classes for that 0 credit class I'll fail. It's easy to start thinking about how hard the major is and wondering if I'm even talented enough to make it instead of pointing my eyes on Christ. Even though I go to a Christian college where I attend chapel 3 times a week and go to various Bible studies, it's easy to completely disconnect my performing and music from Christ. But, then there are days when I am sitting in music classes learning about borrowed chords and conducting techniques and suddenly a Biblical concept finally just clicks for me. 

I'm in Advanced Conducting, which to non-musicians may sound like an "easy A" sort of class. But if you're familiar at all with music you'll know that clear conducting is vital to performing and for the most part the conductor doesn't get much credit. If you go and listen to a phenomenal orchestra play a two hour long symphony chances are that you'll marvel at the talent of the musicians, the violinists that were  playing as if their fingers may tumble on top of each other or the tuba player who held a note for a number of bars. What you don't think about is the talent of the conductor. Before I came to college and became involved in a number of ensembles I had no idea the importance of a conductor. The musicians knew and played their part, and that was it. But now that I've been involved in large groups I can understand the importance of a good conductor. When playing in a large group it's easy to get lost. You have a part completely separate from the majority of the other musicians, but it needs to fit perfectly. If someone is off by half a beat it may ruin the entire flow. So that's where the conductor comes in. The conductor has the full score, he or she knows the parts of every individual and is there to keep everyone going. The conductor has the full picture, while the musicians only have a little glimpse of what's really going on. But this does absolutely no good if the musicians aren't keeping their eyes on the conductor. The conductor tries to communicate in every way without words what the future is holding for them, he or she is trying to cue everyone in at the right moment and they're keeping time. But, if the musicians aren't keeping their eyes on the conductor it doesn't matter how spot on the conductor is, the music won't be right. If you don't understand that the conductor really does know best and you aren't watching him or her, you're in for a world of trouble. 

This is not unlike our relationship with God. He has the full score, He's studied the score, and He knows exactly when your part is supposed to come in. He's keeping the time, He's cueing, and He's communicating with us as perfectly. But, if we aren't keeping our eyes on Him we'll never be able to see when He's giving us that cue. We'll just follow along on our sheet music, thinking that's all that we need to do. But, because we're human we'll miscount a measure or two and get lost. How much better would it be if we would just keep our eyes glued on the Conductor, trusting in Him to know the score? 

Recent Reads

I've been in the mood to read in since finals last semester. There's just something about reading a good book for the heck of it that always entices me. Over Christmas break I read Sarah Dessen's "Dreamland" as it's one of my roommates favorite books that she was dying to have me read. I read it in two days or so and my reading spark was officially rekindled, so when I got back to school and found myself with next to nothing to do right now I picked a few books up from the library. I'm currently reading "Sex God" by Rob Bell and am finding so much truth within it! He's just one of those people who can easily voice what's on their mind, whether it be in speaking or writing, and he's full of so much knowledge that it's absolutely incredible. Anyway, I completely recommend the book! Are there any books that anyone has been reading lately that have really spoke to them? Fill me in, I'm always up for a new book or two... at least after I read the ever growing pile on my desk. 

P.S. I linked the books on Amazon in case anyone is interested! They're so reasonably priced in the used section that you might as well read them, right?!? 

This Semester I Will...

1. Drink more water.

2. Wear less makeup.

3. Practice at least two hours a day.

4. Take time to run and workout

5. Make that Dean's List again. 

6. Begin to love people through their flaws and take them for who they are. 

Transformation Tuesday

  Dear Hunter,
Three years ago on December 27th I had no idea how much you would mean to me right now in this second. I had no idea that you would go from a cute long haired 15 year old boy in a Carhart to a cute short haired 18 year old boy in basketball shorts and long socks. I had no idea that I would go from a really awkward super conservative home schooled 16 year old girl to a more confident and outspoken 19 year old college girl. What I really didn't know was that even though you and I have completely transformed, in most ways possible, we'd still be together. We've grown as two individual people, but we've done it together while accepting each other's changes. You've been there when I moved away, and I'll be there for you when you move away. This past year has brought so many changes for us, and this next year will bring even more. You're going to be going to college for the first time, and we'll be separated by even more distance. But I can't wait to take it on with you. Knowing that no matter how much we grow separately, hundreds of miles apart, we'll always come back together. I love you. And thank you for being with me for 3 years. That's longer than a lot of married people's entire relationships. And we are. And here we will remain. I love you.
Love Always,
Your Hannah

Always Winter But Never Christmas

I'm dreaming of vanilla coffee, green bean casserole, sledding parties, wood heating and kisses from the boy. All that stands in my way is:

-Three finals on Monday

-One piano jury on Monday

-One final on Tuesday

-One final on Wednesday

Wrapping up the semester has never seemed so sweet. 

*All photo creds go to the sister, Noelle Elisabeth, who finally made a Facebook for her up and coming business*

All You Need Is Love

We can't love people like we love coffee, or books, or blogging. We must love people without fear, knowing that all true and perfect love comes from the God who is love, and we need only to love because Christ loved us enough to sacrifice His life. 

I've Taken the Purity Ring Off

A couple of weekends I went to a concert, you know typical Hannah acting all college girl crazy. Okay, so I didn't get too wild (though I did have some punch in the face peppermint iced tea). His name was Jimmy Needham, and he's really cool with an awesome message and everyone should check him out. But, I digress. I was sitting there listening to his smooth as molasses voice singing these words, "Anything I put before my God is an idol," and one thing immediately popped into my head... along with a few others as well. But let's just concentrate on one thing.

I grew up home schooled, and I honestly can say I would have had it no other way. Am I sometimes clueless to the pop culture that my roommates are talking about? Heck to the yes. Am I wee bit more awkward than some people? This is true. But I loved my upbringing. For the most part my parents kept me pretty "normal" though, aside from the one downfall of my home schooled career. I joined a homeschool group. And while I did learn some lessons (mainly ones that were never intentionally taught to me), it was probably one of the rockiest times for me growing up. I tried to fit in with this group of people so much, even though in most ways I didn't really belong, that I truly lost myself. The homeschool group had many of the ideals that the majority of Christian home schooled families had. The main ideal? No dating until you're out of high school and marriage is in your near future, and even more importantly no kissing, touching, flirting, sex, or giving the impression that you might even be thinking about having a crush on someone. Through my years in the group I felt like it was drilled into my head, "Girls, guard your heart. Because your heart and your emotional purity are the most important things that God has given you (not your brain or heart of compassion, but your purity of course) and if you ever become romantically involved (let alone sexually involved) with a man before marriage you will be jaded. And you can't be jaded. Pride yourself in your purity above all else." My purity throughout high school, dare I even say my righteousness, was placed in a spot where God should have been. 

I won't begin to say that anything that I was taught was "bad" necessarily, and who knows, maybe I'm the only girl who took any of it in this way, but this way of thinking is a form of idolatry. When does this idea of purity start going so far that it becomes your idol? Letting people know that their sexual and emotional purity is important and valued is something that is needed, I won't deny that. This world is completely sexually charged, and young girls need to be taught that sex doesn't have to be something meaningless and purely physical just because the movies depict it that way. But, there comes a point in the modern church when it's becoming so talked about that I think that it has become a sort of idol in girls' hearts. Where it can actually hinder their relationships with other girls, boys, and most importantly, God.

I can almost pinpoint the very spot I was when I began feeling like it was going too far in what I was being taught. It was a fun weekend away that the group I was in planned, we had rented some cabins on a lake and it was just going to be a blast. I was really excited, while nervous at the same time because I didn't know if my (very) modest tankini was quite modest enough or if I would get in trouble for it. Because it was a sort of retreat we of course sat down to have a little talk about faith and the hot topic was (as it always was) our purity. Sitting down to listen I began hearing things that I didn't know if I agreed with, and if I did agree with them I would definitely have some fessing up to do. I remember the conversation being turned to friendships with boys. And how we must guard our hearts with our guy friends and could never really open up too much with them, or else we would be compromising our emotional purity. We can't become emotionally attached to the opposite gender. Well, that was sort of confusing to a girl who grew up only with guy friends because that's all there was to have in a "town" of 600 people. Should I stop being friends with people I had grown up with my entire life simply because they had a different anatomy than I did and being with them could compromise my emotional purity? (Which we don't EVER want to happen, because no one wants a broken tarnished person as their spouse.) So what should we do? Well we should never be one on one with someone of the opposite gender, because that would be a date. And date's are evil and they will compromise your purity because no one has any self control. If I had walked away from the campfire after everything was done with and went down to the shoreline and one of the boys of the group came down as well and we walked and talked while looking for sea shells that would have been a date. Under no circumstance should a boy and girl ever be alone and open up to one another.

At the time I was confused. I loved having the guy friends I did, and I could honestly say that there was no romantic feelings towards any of them at the time. I just liked having good old fashioned fun. I liked playing cards games with them, and hearing of their weird gory stories. I liked talking to them and telling each other about what we really wanted to accomplish in life. But, according to what I was being taught all of this was wrong. What I was hearing was that I should never open up to a boy, and a boy should never open up to me. Even with the best intentions, it's just plain wrong. Even if I can offer really good insight or vise versa into a current situation. What I feel I was being taught was that we must place our purity, our cleanliness, our righteousness, high above everything; even the needs of those around us.

I have come to realize that I have been conditioned to be a person who would rather keep herself clean and pure than get involved in relationship with people who might dirty myself. Purity is a great thing. I want to keep my thoughts and actions pure. I want to have pure motives when I go into relationships with other people, and I want to have pure motives when I do anything in my life. But, this idea of purity cannot become like a god to me. It cannot become so important to me that I forsake good, clean, relationships in the name of staying "pure".

So I took my purity ring off. I took it off because my purity is not the most important thing in my life. My "pureness", my "holiness", my "righteousness" will never be enough to save me. I need to be covered by HIS purity and HIS holiness and HIS righteousness and if I remember correctly Jesus had lots of relationships with people of the opposite gender. He even had relationships with female prostitutes, how's that for an "impure" relationship? I will look to the One who is pure, because I never can be. I will no longer let my purity and righteousness get in the way of creating Christ based friendships.