It's A Thief

  I detest the comparison game, but I find myself playing it an awful lot. I feel like in college there's this unspoken competition: who has the hardest major. And on top of that: who has the hardest major on top of the hardest job. The sad thing is, I find myself playing that game a lot but get really annoyed when other people try to play along... because obviously my major is the hardest. The thing I'm trying to remind myself is that everyone has it hard, we're just all dealing with different kinds of hard. Physics is hard. But, practicing 12 hours a week is hard, too. And practicing 12 hours a week doesn't make physics any less hard, and vice versa. Working while in college is hard, and I give mad props to anyone working 10 hours a week all the way up to 40+. But doing "just" college is hard, too. And neither one takes away from the hardness of the other.

I fall victim to this vicious game way too often. I see my schedule online with a list of 11 classes I'm registered for, I look at my required practice hours, and the two Bible studies I'm signed up for and I think, "No one knows a busy schedule like a music major! I have it really hard! Psh, I wish I could be someone who's only signed up for 5 classes! That's so easy! If I had 5 classes of course I could work long hours during the week!" This is so ridiculous and wrong of me, and it only ends in me being bitter. Being bitter takes a lot of energy, a lot of energy that could be put towards bettering myself. A lot of energy that could otherwise be used to bless people, and bless the Creator. 

I think I, and probably a lot of people, need to get to that middle ground. Where we're aware that we do have it hard, but so does everyone else. Where we can appreciate what other people do, instead of scrutinizing how easy their lives are. Comparison destroys. 

"Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job week done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else." -Galatians 6:4  

I will say this... my home is better than anyone else's. That's not comparison, that's simple fact. Just look at that sunset. 

Life Is Like Borrowed Chords...

Something can be said for taking moments out of your day to drink a little coffee and reflect on the graciousness of our God. While I'm over here dwelling on all of the parts of life that have brought me down, God is already thinking up ways to make my life a testimony of His power and grace. When I focus on all of the negative, God is working double time to bring my life to a positive ending. It's sort of like a borrowed chord. It doesn't sound right in the middle of the song, it sounds ugly and like it shouldn't belong. But God, the composer of life, knows the rules and He tonicizes it. He brings it back to where it should be, and then you can understand how that borrowed chord fit in and that it really did belong and it was placed there to tell a story. Maybe it was put there to spice it up, or depict the text of Christ. Life is a little like counterpoint, and it's a good thing we have a composer who not only knows the rules but He created them and is the best composer out there. 

On the Podium

I'm a Music major. I practice my instrument, piano,  at least 12 hours a week, so that come jury time I can try to show my improvement over the semester in under five minutes. I take 11 classes for 17 credits. I am in 4 ensembles that require not only more practice but also at least one (sometimes two or three) performances on weekends. I have to go to every single music production on campus for a 0 credit class (yeah, those exist), and if I miss one of the actual classes for that 0 credit class I'll fail. It's easy to start thinking about how hard the major is and wondering if I'm even talented enough to make it instead of pointing my eyes on Christ. Even though I go to a Christian college where I attend chapel 3 times a week and go to various Bible studies, it's easy to completely disconnect my performing and music from Christ. But, then there are days when I am sitting in music classes learning about borrowed chords and conducting techniques and suddenly a Biblical concept finally just clicks for me. 

I'm in Advanced Conducting, which to non-musicians may sound like an "easy A" sort of class. But if you're familiar at all with music you'll know that clear conducting is vital to performing and for the most part the conductor doesn't get much credit. If you go and listen to a phenomenal orchestra play a two hour long symphony chances are that you'll marvel at the talent of the musicians, the violinists that were  playing as if their fingers may tumble on top of each other or the tuba player who held a note for a number of bars. What you don't think about is the talent of the conductor. Before I came to college and became involved in a number of ensembles I had no idea the importance of a conductor. The musicians knew and played their part, and that was it. But now that I've been involved in large groups I can understand the importance of a good conductor. When playing in a large group it's easy to get lost. You have a part completely separate from the majority of the other musicians, but it needs to fit perfectly. If someone is off by half a beat it may ruin the entire flow. So that's where the conductor comes in. The conductor has the full score, he or she knows the parts of every individual and is there to keep everyone going. The conductor has the full picture, while the musicians only have a little glimpse of what's really going on. But this does absolutely no good if the musicians aren't keeping their eyes on the conductor. The conductor tries to communicate in every way without words what the future is holding for them, he or she is trying to cue everyone in at the right moment and they're keeping time. But, if the musicians aren't keeping their eyes on the conductor it doesn't matter how spot on the conductor is, the music won't be right. If you don't understand that the conductor really does know best and you aren't watching him or her, you're in for a world of trouble. 

This is not unlike our relationship with God. He has the full score, He's studied the score, and He knows exactly when your part is supposed to come in. He's keeping the time, He's cueing, and He's communicating with us as perfectly. But, if we aren't keeping our eyes on Him we'll never be able to see when He's giving us that cue. We'll just follow along on our sheet music, thinking that's all that we need to do. But, because we're human we'll miscount a measure or two and get lost. How much better would it be if we would just keep our eyes glued on the Conductor, trusting in Him to know the score? 

Recent Reads

I've been in the mood to read in since finals last semester. There's just something about reading a good book for the heck of it that always entices me. Over Christmas break I read Sarah Dessen's "Dreamland" as it's one of my roommates favorite books that she was dying to have me read. I read it in two days or so and my reading spark was officially rekindled, so when I got back to school and found myself with next to nothing to do right now I picked a few books up from the library. I'm currently reading "Sex God" by Rob Bell and am finding so much truth within it! He's just one of those people who can easily voice what's on their mind, whether it be in speaking or writing, and he's full of so much knowledge that it's absolutely incredible. Anyway, I completely recommend the book! Are there any books that anyone has been reading lately that have really spoke to them? Fill me in, I'm always up for a new book or two... at least after I read the ever growing pile on my desk. 

P.S. I linked the books on Amazon in case anyone is interested! They're so reasonably priced in the used section that you might as well read them, right?!? 

This Semester I Will...

1. Drink more water.

2. Wear less makeup.

3. Practice at least two hours a day.

4. Take time to run and workout

5. Make that Dean's List again. 

6. Begin to love people through their flaws and take them for who they are. 

Transformation Tuesday

  Dear Hunter,
Three years ago on December 27th I had no idea how much you would mean to me right now in this second. I had no idea that you would go from a cute long haired 15 year old boy in a Carhart to a cute short haired 18 year old boy in basketball shorts and long socks. I had no idea that I would go from a really awkward super conservative home schooled 16 year old girl to a more confident and outspoken 19 year old college girl. What I really didn't know was that even though you and I have completely transformed, in most ways possible, we'd still be together. We've grown as two individual people, but we've done it together while accepting each other's changes. You've been there when I moved away, and I'll be there for you when you move away. This past year has brought so many changes for us, and this next year will bring even more. You're going to be going to college for the first time, and we'll be separated by even more distance. But I can't wait to take it on with you. Knowing that no matter how much we grow separately, hundreds of miles apart, we'll always come back together. I love you. And thank you for being with me for 3 years. That's longer than a lot of married people's entire relationships. And we are. And here we will remain. I love you.
Love Always,
Your Hannah

Always Winter But Never Christmas

I'm dreaming of vanilla coffee, green bean casserole, sledding parties, wood heating and kisses from the boy. All that stands in my way is:

-Three finals on Monday

-One piano jury on Monday

-One final on Tuesday

-One final on Wednesday

Wrapping up the semester has never seemed so sweet. 

*All photo creds go to the sister, Noelle Elisabeth, who finally made a Facebook for her up and coming business*

All You Need Is Love

We can't love people like we love coffee, or books, or blogging. We must love people without fear, knowing that all true and perfect love comes from the God who is love, and we need only to love because Christ loved us enough to sacrifice His life. 

I've Taken the Purity Ring Off

A couple of weekends I went to a concert, you know typical Hannah acting all college girl crazy. Okay, so I didn't get too wild (though I did have some punch in the face peppermint iced tea). His name was Jimmy Needham, and he's really cool with an awesome message and everyone should check him out. But, I digress. I was sitting there listening to his smooth as molasses voice singing these words, "Anything I put before my God is an idol," and one thing immediately popped into my head... along with a few others as well. But let's just concentrate on one thing.

I grew up home schooled, and I honestly can say I would have had it no other way. Am I sometimes clueless to the pop culture that my roommates are talking about? Heck to the yes. Am I wee bit more awkward than some people? This is true. But I loved my upbringing. For the most part my parents kept me pretty "normal" though, aside from the one downfall of my home schooled career. I joined a homeschool group. And while I did learn some lessons (mainly ones that were never intentionally taught to me), it was probably one of the rockiest times for me growing up. I tried to fit in with this group of people so much, even though in most ways I didn't really belong, that I truly lost myself. The homeschool group had many of the ideals that the majority of Christian home schooled families had. The main ideal? No dating until you're out of high school and marriage is in your near future, and even more importantly no kissing, touching, flirting, sex, or giving the impression that you might even be thinking about having a crush on someone. Through my years in the group I felt like it was drilled into my head, "Girls, guard your heart. Because your heart and your emotional purity are the most important things that God has given you (not your brain or heart of compassion, but your purity of course) and if you ever become romantically involved (let alone sexually involved) with a man before marriage you will be jaded. And you can't be jaded. Pride yourself in your purity above all else." My purity throughout high school, dare I even say my righteousness, was placed in a spot where God should have been. 

I won't begin to say that anything that I was taught was "bad" necessarily, and who knows, maybe I'm the only girl who took any of it in this way, but this way of thinking is a form of idolatry. When does this idea of purity start going so far that it becomes your idol? Letting people know that their sexual and emotional purity is important and valued is something that is needed, I won't deny that. This world is completely sexually charged, and young girls need to be taught that sex doesn't have to be something meaningless and purely physical just because the movies depict it that way. But, there comes a point in the modern church when it's becoming so talked about that I think that it has become a sort of idol in girls' hearts. Where it can actually hinder their relationships with other girls, boys, and most importantly, God.

I can almost pinpoint the very spot I was when I began feeling like it was going too far in what I was being taught. It was a fun weekend away that the group I was in planned, we had rented some cabins on a lake and it was just going to be a blast. I was really excited, while nervous at the same time because I didn't know if my (very) modest tankini was quite modest enough or if I would get in trouble for it. Because it was a sort of retreat we of course sat down to have a little talk about faith and the hot topic was (as it always was) our purity. Sitting down to listen I began hearing things that I didn't know if I agreed with, and if I did agree with them I would definitely have some fessing up to do. I remember the conversation being turned to friendships with boys. And how we must guard our hearts with our guy friends and could never really open up too much with them, or else we would be compromising our emotional purity. We can't become emotionally attached to the opposite gender. Well, that was sort of confusing to a girl who grew up only with guy friends because that's all there was to have in a "town" of 600 people. Should I stop being friends with people I had grown up with my entire life simply because they had a different anatomy than I did and being with them could compromise my emotional purity? (Which we don't EVER want to happen, because no one wants a broken tarnished person as their spouse.) So what should we do? Well we should never be one on one with someone of the opposite gender, because that would be a date. And date's are evil and they will compromise your purity because no one has any self control. If I had walked away from the campfire after everything was done with and went down to the shoreline and one of the boys of the group came down as well and we walked and talked while looking for sea shells that would have been a date. Under no circumstance should a boy and girl ever be alone and open up to one another.

At the time I was confused. I loved having the guy friends I did, and I could honestly say that there was no romantic feelings towards any of them at the time. I just liked having good old fashioned fun. I liked playing cards games with them, and hearing of their weird gory stories. I liked talking to them and telling each other about what we really wanted to accomplish in life. But, according to what I was being taught all of this was wrong. What I was hearing was that I should never open up to a boy, and a boy should never open up to me. Even with the best intentions, it's just plain wrong. Even if I can offer really good insight or vise versa into a current situation. What I feel I was being taught was that we must place our purity, our cleanliness, our righteousness, high above everything; even the needs of those around us.

I have come to realize that I have been conditioned to be a person who would rather keep herself clean and pure than get involved in relationship with people who might dirty myself. Purity is a great thing. I want to keep my thoughts and actions pure. I want to have pure motives when I go into relationships with other people, and I want to have pure motives when I do anything in my life. But, this idea of purity cannot become like a god to me. It cannot become so important to me that I forsake good, clean, relationships in the name of staying "pure".

So I took my purity ring off. I took it off because my purity is not the most important thing in my life. My "pureness", my "holiness", my "righteousness" will never be enough to save me. I need to be covered by HIS purity and HIS holiness and HIS righteousness and if I remember correctly Jesus had lots of relationships with people of the opposite gender. He even had relationships with female prostitutes, how's that for an "impure" relationship? I will look to the One who is pure, because I never can be. I will no longer let my purity and righteousness get in the way of creating Christ based friendships. 

and then she was tatted

Last weekend I got crazy.

Like college girl crazy. 

Well... okay, Bethel College girl crazy. 

(No drinking involved at all... I pinkie swear.)

.... I got a tattoo. Like a legitimate, permanently on my skin, tattoo.

It was one of the most spontaneous, fun things that I've done, well, ever. 

I Know I'm Not Strong Enough

This semester has been a challenge for me. Like, the biggest challenge I've had so far. From feeling like a complete musical failure to being completely unsure in my relationship to questioning my living situation. Nothing has really been easy for me. Which is the biggest surprise of my life. After last year living with a hard to handle roommate, officially becoming a music major, going through my first year of long distance with Hunter and losing friends left and right I didn't think it could get much harder. I thought that I had learned "so much" and was such a bigger and better person than I was previously. And just when I started to get a big head about thinking I'm so mature, God really had a way to knock the sense right into me. 

I've been simply struggling to survive. I feel like everything that I'm touching is just failing to thrive. My hands don't want to play the pieces I've been given, there's been more arguments between my boyfriend and I than there has been in all the previous years put together, and I never feel as if I'm able to do anything right in my apartment. I've felt sort of like a walking zombie, going through the motions of being alive, but never actually living. I go from class to class. Test to test. And sure, I'm getting by, but I barely ever do exceptionally well. I forget to practice until the night before my lesson and my fingers cramp up because of 2 continual hours of practicing. I've drank more coffee in these past two months than I even care to fully admit, just trying to stay awake and alive. 

While this feeling of heaviness, and "zombie-ness" is completely real in my life currently, I've discovered a lot of it is my own damn fault (am I allowed to say that? darn just doesn't seem to convey the right message). I'm letting myself be consumed by my discontentedness rather than change what's going on. And that simply is not how to live a joy filled, amazing, wonderful, crazy, awesome life. I am not just someone who should be "getting by". I have the Spirit of Christ in me, and I am a new creation! I don't have to be bound by my discouraging, life quenching ways. I don't have to walk around feeling like a failure, because I'm not. Do I do the wrong thing 80% of the time? Sure, that might even be generous. But I'm not failure. I am determined to be the best Hannah Byard the world has ever seen. Not the best student, or the best pianist, or the best Bible reader, aiming for those things will always bring disappointment. But I can be the best, most radical, most Hannah Byard there has ever been and ever will be. 

"Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your nature, created to be like God- truly righteous and holy!" Ephesians 4:22-24

Use What Talent You Possess

It's so easy as a musician to just start playing the comparison game. I do it every single time I'm in the practice room and can hear the person on the other side of my cement brick wall. "They're so much better than me. I can't do this. I might as well not even be a music major!" Or "I don't understand this theory concept like everyone else, I'm stupid and should just give up." That's not what music is about. It's about being and feeling the music, and being determined to keep at it even when you're not the best out there. I feel like music is thought of as something that you've either got or you don't. You either have the God-given talent or you have nothing and can't accomplish it. But determination and sincerity go such a long way in the music realm. Someone who has immense talent but no discipline will get frustrated and quit the first time that they face something they don't understand, and everyone will face something that don't fully comprehend. But when you have a little tiny bit of talent and whole lot of dedication, you're ready to face anything. And that's what being a musician is about. Feeling everything and being determined. 

Praise God Through Whom All Blessings Flow

The semester is in full swing and the only way that I'm going to be able to get through it is the power of God and coffee. I've honestly officially become one of "those people" who runs on coffee. Is this what being an adult feels like? I feel like I honestly have next to zero down time, what with being in thirteen classes and all that jazz (only 17 credits though... the life of a music major). I went from being in one ensemble, Band, last year to now being in four, Band, Orchestra, Chamber Ensemble, and Percussion Ensemble. Which basically means that I have four times the amount of practicing to do. Not to mention my piano lessons, which are pretty important as that's what my entire major depends on, and I'm now enrolled in voice lessons as well. My time spent in the practice room comes to around 10-12 hours a week. On top of all the practice time I also need to be studying and doing homework for my "normal" classes. It's sort of a lot, but I'm really loving it. I love that college is the time for me to be busy and always learning. Sure, I hate having a twelve hour day on Monday and going nine of those hours without a meal. And I'm not a fan of how much time I have to spend alone in a room only big enough to fit a piano into. But, I'm so grateful for everything that I'm experiencing. Whether it's the kind of week that's dragging by like a snail, or the kind that just goes whizzing by. I adore it. 

Thank God for Bethel College. And music. And friends who are willing to talk through issues, for professors whose main concern is for you to understand and enjoy what you're learning.

Oh, and thank God for coffee. The Big Man knew that college students would need it! 

Once Again

 

Photograph by Lauren Anne Photography out of Columbus 

This is old news to everyone, but I really love this kid.

He's just like... ugh. Perf.

Also, I'm sort of in love with this picture of us. The first time I saw it I wasn't crazy about it, but now it's literally my wallpaper on my MacBook and my lock screen for my iPhone. I'm that in love with it. He just looks so happy, and I like when he looks happy. 

The Firsts

Summer flew by as summer generally does and here I am back at good ole' BC in my new apartment with my three new roommates. Like, wow. The summer was busy and good, all the things that summer should be. But just as the taste of summer freedom was becoming monotonous the school year has started again, and I begin my Sophomore year of college... still as a Music Performance Major. Like, wow squared.

I've been thinking more and more about my writing, and what I want it to be. Particularly what I want my blog to bed, and as I look at the posts of the past I realize how much I have transformed from the 16 year old who started Ivory Giraffes. I'm now a 19 year old pseudo adult who's knocking the college life out of the park. And I think to myself, "what a wonderful world". But, for real though. Everything that I dreamed college would be is so completely different, and I'm so pleased by the differences. I'm so blown away by how much God has blessed me with the opportunity to have the school that I have and the friends/roommates that I have. I'm so incredibly grateful for the opportunities that have been placed before me that I cannot help but just laugh and smile. Who I am after one year of college has changed so dramatically, and I'm anxious to see what the next three have in store for me.

I went to Chicago over Labor Day weekend where all three of my roommates and I traveled to spend the weekend with one of their families. And just being able to experience the minor differences in how families work, and the opportunity to feel like a "home away from home". To love and be loved by people who are not obligated to care for me at all, may just be one of the best feelings. As wonderful and as thankful I am for my family, I know that they are obligated in a sense to love me. But to witness and feel the love of people who have no obligation to me at all just fills me with such hope.

By no means has this entire past year been perfect. Trying to be in a relationship six hours apart has been one of the most difficult things of my life. The Boy and I have gotten in more fights in the past year than we ever did in the rest of our relationship combined. The freshman experience was not the best for me, from having to learn to get along with roommates to dealing with feeling like the whole world hated me; it was not always easy.

Nevertheless, I am beyond blessed. To have these girls. To have this college. To have my God who always watches over me, and gives me a new name in Him.

*I apologize for literally being the worst blogger on the face of the earth. Life is busy and ish gets in the way. I won't promise to keep super updated on the blog, so make sure to follow me on Instagram and Twitter, because let's be real. I be crazy with those updates.*

You Are My Favorite.

Happy Birthday to the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
You are the Corey to my Topanga.
The Alfalfa to my Darla.
The Noah to my Allie.
The Ben to my Leslie.
And the Nick to my Jess.

I love you, Hunter Kilpatrick.

Long Hot Summer

As much as I've been talking about "how much I've changed, and improved, and learned" there are a few things that haven't changed at all. Case in point: the fact that I'm absolutely in love with wearing cool colors together like white & grey. There is just something so relaxed and casual about this color pallet and I will never be able to get enough of it. Ever. Under any circumstance! ... I mean it. 
I've been finally running again, and I'm so happy! Although I wouldn't exactly say that I'm in love with running, and I am in love with the feeling of accomplishment after I've ran for the day. The first day I ran three weeks ago it took me, get this... 12 minutes and 52 seconds to run a mile. I know, I know. That's horrible. But I have now successfully started running 8 minute 12 second miles back to back. There's just something about setting a goal and accomplishing it that I love. 
Also, can we talk about how amazing The Voice is? But how messed up America is for keeping Danielle and getting rid of Holly? Like seriously. It's ridiculous. But, as long as Michelle wins I'm happy! 

It's The Little Things...

...like taking a nice bath while having a candle lit after an equally nice run. 

My Mom has always said that she hated baths because "who wants to sit in their own dirt", but I absolutely adore them. Just being completely surrounded by warmth makes my heart sing. And I like when my heart sings. And bubbles. I like bubbles. And making big white beards with the bubbles. That also makes my heart sing. There really are a million and one positives to taking baths. So go take a bath. Light a candle. And smell delicious. 

Change is Good.

And then she had short hair.

If you follow me on Twitter you'll know that on Sunday I chopped off a good portion of my hair, which came as a shock to not only you guys but also myself. I've been working on getting long, not layered, healthy hair for a good three years and while my hair was definitely long it still had some layers and the ends were quite damaged. So Sunday night off it went... but then today I looked at it and thought "go big or go home" so Noelle took the shears to it once again and bam! it's to my shoulders and I love it. My hair can officially grow in peace, with no layers to bother with and no bangs to be annoyed by. And in the meantime it looks pretty darn fabulous. I may even keep it like this for a little while. I know, I know, who am I becoming?!? 

Nineteen.

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Nineteen.

Nineteen years living on planet earth.

Nineteen years of living in Bliss.

Nineteen years of being Hannah Byard.

Nineteen years of learning, making mistakes, and being redeemed.

Nineteen years worth of tears, smiles, and laughs.

Three.

Three years without you on planet earth.

Three years of being in Bliss, but not at home.

Three years of being Hannah Byard, that girl without her Daddy.

Three years of learning, making mistakes, and being redeemed without you.

Three years worth of mourning, tears, and remembering happier times.

I'm stuck trying to figure out which number is more important. Nineteen, is obviously a bigger number. There are happier times in number Nineteen, and Sixteen of those years were spent with my Daddy. But Three seems to be longer. Three seems to be more important in the long run than Nineteen, or next year Twenty or the next Twenty-One. Three turns to Four, which turns to Five.

Happy Nineteenth Birthday to me.

Happy Three Years in Heaven, Daddy.